I lost my virginity last month because I am a socially inept nerd. I say this not in an “Awh awkward girl plays video games and is shy” No. Fuck that. I was virtually invisible in high school. One day, I had a conversation with a teacher and sat down in a desk near theirs and they marked me absent, which when I confronted them about this, hold up, they said “oh yeah, I guess you were there”. I GUESS I WAS THERE. Getting sidetracked though. My point at this junction of my tale is that, other than my friends, people didn’t talk to me unless they had to. Next point, this won’t seem relevant just yet, but it’s pretty important. I had a massive lady boner for this tall blond nerd asshole. We were buddies, every so often he’d come and sit with me in second square before school started. He blatantly made fun of my social awkwardness and I would just smile and laugh maybe call him an ass. I invited him to my sixteenth birthday, that was big for me. He had to leave early though and never made it to the after “party” at my house. (I didn’t start drinking until the last few months of grade twelve because I was a nark). He bought me really nice headphones, which to this day are still on my shelf even though they’re broken as hell. I told myself I would tell him how much I wanted to kiss his face on grad night. Grad night came, we smiled at each other, we crossed the stage. I couldn’t find him after because he actually had friends that drank and partied. He got a new phone number. He moved to BC. I frowned. I started to move on, forget my dumb fucking crush. A year later. ONE YEAR LATER. He sends me this picture he took of me in second square. “your face. Do you see it? I do.” Keep in mind, I have no fucking clue what his number is. Some random person sent me a picture of my face and asked me if I could see it. In the middle of the night. I remembered though, this was the same damn picture he teased me with when I was ignoring him two years back, checked our old texts and sure enough, it was him. I respond the next morning with “I see it now. And you still have that terrible picture.” We pick up texting like it hasn’t been a year and the shit seems casual. He asks me if I have plans first week of August. He’s coming back to edmonton. (Hell no, I don’t have plans!) I’m like cool we can hang. More texting. First week of July insert apparent bug where his phone didn’t send a text and it seemed too awkward for me to text him. I thought he just didn’t want to talk anymore. I’m now going out more with friends and coworkers. Nearly every weekend I’m getting drunk. I keep checking to see if he’ll text me. He doesn’t. I give up. I go out to a coworkers birthday, have a fucking blast. She’s an awesome friend and knows a lot of fun people. (I’m going to interject here and give boy crush high school a fake name to avoid confusion from this point - let’s call him Tall. And also let’s give this guy I’m about introduce a name too - Nice) so my coworker is best friends with Nice. He picks us up from WEM waterpark and drives us back to coworkers boyfriends place. He’s funny. Lots of people get drunk and I try to be funny too. I brought a sleeping bag, because I was told there wasn’t furniture and I should bring a sleeping bag. Nice is very drunk at the end of the night and tries to ask if I want to sleep in his truck instead of the floor and I’m like “sprawling room”. He nods and wanders off to his truck. Everyone’s sleeping and I wake up with the sudden urge to spew cool ranch Doritos. I hold my hands over my mouth and run to the bathroom after struggling out of a sleeping bag. I clean up the bright orange messy driblets all down the hall and lay back down. At which point the other nice person I thought I had a chance with - turns out she’s asexual - asks me if I’m alright and is super comforting. (I’d never been that drunk before and it was embarrassing. Not the drunkest I’ve been to date though) July 5. Anyways. She adds me on Facebook, we message a bit. Nothing happens there, as cute/hot as she was. Nice adds me on Facebook. We chat a bit, he apologises for his drunkeness, he asks for my number and we start to text. We are now friends. Coworker tells me he had drunkenly texted her asking about me. This is where it goes downhill. I’m thinking oh my god. Someone is showing interest in me. Ohgod. I might actually be able to go on a date before I’m 19. (PS, still no real date, 3 months to go) I’m feeling desperate and am thinking this is hella cute. Coworker, coworkers boyfriend, another coworker (whom we call my lesbian vegetarian wife with multicultural children, but that’s another awesome story) Nice, and I all go to sherlocks after work one day. I get very drunk, lesbian wife leaves, the rest of us stay until close (well past bussing hours). Coworker and boyfriend catch a cab. Nice asks me how I’m getting home and I’m like “enhh it’s only a 45 minute walk”. He’s like “nah, you can crash at my house it’s only 20 minutes away and you won’t be walking alone in a sketchy neighbourhood”. This makes sense, plus coworker is texting me like “Nice is a good guy, you can trust him to get you home or you can crash at his place he has a very comfy couch, or so I hear, I don’t know, I sleep in his bed, but you can trust him.” I’m like cool, I can walk to Oliver, may fall over a few times, but I’m down. We walk to his apartment, he’s like this nighttime avenger picking up fallen over signs and putting back cinder blocks, closing gates. I’m shaking a little, partially because I’m about to sleep at a strangers house, partially because I’ve had 9 vodka drinks. We get there and I’m hella tired, I just want to sleep but it’s like an awkward dance of drinking water and looking at each other. He is close and I don’t know what to do. He is really close and I can feel his breath. We’re staring into each other’s eyes and saying random crap that doesn’t matter. He kisses me and I kiss him back. I tell him I’m a Virgin and he expresses he’s not comfortable with taking things fast with me. We have sex that night. July 11/12. Monday morning another coworker asks me how dinner was and I say I wasn’t really attracted to him physically, but that he was funny and nice. I’m not sure why I felt the need to say I didn’t like how he looked, but I did. I text Nice everyday. Next Thursday we hang out again and watch rvb. We make out and have sex. The condom slips and he’s paranoid that I’m going to get pregnant. I’m freaking out but try to be cool about it. I make a note to make a doctors appointment. July 17. I’m busy that weekend with sisters birthday, we text how much we miss each other and need to hang out more. Tuesday. I get off work earlier than usual. I bus to his place. He introduces me to Hannibal. I’ve been meaning to watch it. We make out and have sex. He fires off earlier than usual and the condom slips again. He’s fingering me, so I can get off. Asks if I’m okay. I’ve bled all over his hand. I’m embarrassed. I don’t know what to say, we wash off and he plays video games. This is the last time we have sex. I tell myself I’ll ask for a pregnancy test next week at my doctors appointment. We go to brewsters for burgers and he drives me home early. July 22. He’s terrified I’m pregnant and I reassure him I’m not. I don’t know for sure, but having two people panicking is not a good idea. We’re still texting everyday, but we’re both so busy. He goes to his home town that weekend. “Raya. We need to talk next time I see you. I want to discuss things with you that I only feel is person to person discussion.” He’s texting me at 3am and I reply right away. We discuss bullshit problems and make plans to see each other when he gets back to discuss this mystery important thing. July 26. We are back to flirty texting. He’s in the process of moving so hanging out is becoming difficult. I go to my doctors appointment and bring her up to speed with my life. I have my blood taken for a pregnancy test. I’ll know the results tomorrow. “I have decided that I don’t want a relationship. I think you are fucking sweet but I just can’t do relationship things… I just hope you aren’t upset. I also can’t tell if this is a mistake deciding but it’s what I chosen. Please don’t be sad =(” we discuss what this means. We are friends. We do not have sex. We might go out for drinks with coworker. I’m scared that I’m pregnant, but I say nothing and pretend I am fine with us breaking up even though we never really dated. July 30. It’s the first time we’ve gone a day without texting each other. I stay at a friends house after finding out I’m not pregnant. She’s the first person I tell. She’s validates my fears and tells me I am welcome anytime I am scared. I am so grateful. July 31. Tall texts me and asks if I can hang out. It’s august and he’s back in edmonton. My friends come out with me and we meet up with Tall. He has a beard now, it’s well kept. Nice is texting me. Tall is being very handsome and sweet. He hugs me like he always used to and holds my hand. I am drinking a lot. Nice texts me not to drink too much. I kiss Tall for the first time and tell him I’ve wanted him for a long time. My friends freak out and are all giggly. We brush off the kiss like it was nothing. Guys are hitting on my friends, but I’m really drunk and kissing Tall feels so nice. Nice texts me that he thinks he’s made a mistake. I’ve stopped checking my texts. My friends want to leave because there are some creepy guys but I just want to stay and kiss Tall. We leave eventually, but my friends are mad at Tall. We all catch a cab together and crash at my house. He sleeps in a different room, but my friends are now mad at me for letting him come along. I feel terrible. August 2. I wake up early and text Nice. I’m mad at him. I say mean things. I blame it on drunken belligerence and apologise later. I feel awful. Tall wakes up and cuddles with me on the couch. I forget the dumb stuff I’ve done and spoon him. We kiss more. He fingers me at one point. He leaves. My friends sort of shrug off the whole encounter. I haven’t talked to them since. They may hate me. I meet up with my other friend to go to her cabin so we can go boating. August 3. We come back from boating and go for pizza with Tall. I have one drink. No one else does. We go to a playground and discuss the future. Apparently the four of us are going to rent an apartment together. Tall drives my friend home and then comes home with me. We are in my bed. I’m laying on his chest. I feel so close to him. We’re kissing and I’m rubbing up against him. He tells me to verbalise what I want. I don’t know what I want. I tell him I want him. He fucks me and we do all sorts of things I wouldn’t have imagined doing with him. By the end I’m shaking and he still hasn’t gotten off. I feel inadequate. He calms me down and we fall asleep. August 4. After an awkward morning and quick conversation with my mother, Tall drives me to work. We barely talk. I text him while on my break and apologise for awkwardness. He says it’s alright. August 5. I ask if he wants to go to my brother in laws metal show. He very quickly says he’s busy all week. Coworker tells me Nice was really distraught and that he likes me. I shrug it off and tell her I felt bad for my belligerent texting, I feel the worst. August 6. My friend texts me and says Tall has confided in her. She “knows all”. I tell her I will meet her after work to talk about it. We walk for a while and I tell her the whole story. She laughs at me. My life is a damn melodrama. We go out for dinner and she tells me to text him while she is texting him to text me. “So I don’t think I should have done that. And I would rather be friends before anything else.” I’m tempted to delete what I’ve been typing but she make me send it anyway. “I was as much involved as you were, and honestly the only reason I feel so awkward is because I didn’t know how you felt about this and was worried it was not the same as I did. And I’m sorry I basically threw myself on you with all of these feelings I’ve been harbouring for years and probably should have just said something, but didn’t because I’m dumb. And I’m sorry. Its fine if you would rather be friends, because that’s probably better anyway.” I send that to him and I feel like absolute shit. I ask if I can get drunk at her place and she’s like fuck yeah. She invites Tall. For some reason he comes. I get shitfaced while we play sponge bob monopoly. I get belligerent and call him an asshole many times. We all sleep in the same bed. August 7. I hate myself. I’m crying every time I shower. I feel like a whore. I want things to go back to the way they were before I lost my virginity. I don’t want to feel terrible, awful, inadequate, like absolute shit, like a whore. I just want to be me again, but every second that passes I am different. I was never me. I tried to make things better but I made them worse. Apparently you shouldn’t text your crush at 3am after you’ve fucked them trying to make things less awkward. Just leave it be. So my point is. Go on at least one date in high school, because if you’re like me, you’ll jump on the first dick that shows you an inkling of attention. More accurately two dicks in the span of a month and manage to be friend zoned by them both because you’re fucking inept. You’re not in love with that tall asshole in high school and you’re not in love with the sweet chub you just met. You’re lonely.